Aset Group Consulting & Counselling Services

Parenting Resources: Articles & Websites for Parents

The following list are collected websites and articles for parents providing key tips and resources on parenting, building resiliency with young people, and addressing challenges in youth. Click on a topic for more information below:


Mental Health Services

Support for Parents, Children, Youth & Adults…

BC Children’s Hospital provides a Mental Health Resource site for youth, adults and parents: Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre

Children with Special Needs: Neuroimaging and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, article published by researchers

Addressing bullying…

Cliques and Put-Downs in Elementary Schools addresses the impact of “cliques” for young people, and interventions parents and schools can utilize to build resiliency.

Anxiety & Teenagers

by: Helen Gibbs MSW (c), M.A. CYS

Writing exams, moving to a new school, or a job interview are some examples of events that may cause your teenager to be nervous, moody and/or withdrawn.  In those situations, those types of reactions would likely be expected and your teenager often “bounces” back once the stressful event is over.  However, nowadays more and more teenagers are experiencing frequent or daily feelings of anxiety that are impacting on their activities at school, at home, and in the community.  The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto noted that anxiety is the most common form of mental health concerns in adolescents, affecting upwards of 20% of children and adolescents over their lifespan (1). Anxiety may be very evident in your teenager, in that they tell you about all their worries and concerns.  But sometimes anxiety is more hidden and presents itself as school refusal, repeated complaints of feeling ill, sleeping too much or too little, defiance and/or intense moodiness.  Teenagers with anxiety often feel very fearful but can have difficulty identifying the source.   They commonly experience anxiety as feelings of unease and dread in anticipation of an ambiguous event (2).  It is highly recommended that you speak to your family doctor or other health care professional should you notice that your teenager is presenting with some or all these symptoms on a regular basis.

The good news is that anxiety can be successfully managed.

Helen
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As a parent, what can you do?

  • All teenagers benefit from having loving, supportive parents.  However, for teenagers with anxiety they require parents with a great deal of patience and understanding.  Parenting a teenager with anxiety can be challenging as ‘usual’ teenage behaviours, such as going to school, become areas of intense conflict. 
  • It is important to educate yourself about the symptoms of anxiety and ways to get support.  Joining online parent support groups through Facebook is one resource (e.g. Teenage Depression & Anxiety – Support for Parents group).  
  • If you prefer to connect with others face to face, there are parent support groups in Durham Region and Toronto.  HOPE – Helping Other Parents Everywhere is one example and more information can be found at www.hope4parents.ca.

Additional Strategies:

  • Encourage your teenager to open up about worries and fears:  Start by describing a recent situation when you observed some signs of anxiety in your teenager. “

“Yesterday, when Sarah came over to do homework, you seemed very quiet and  you just stared at your phone. It seemed you may have been a bit nervous about having her over. What was that like for you?”

  • Tell your teenager about some things you feared when you were the same age (   especially if you shared the same types of fears) and ask if he or she has any similar worries or fears (e.g. failing an exam, being ostracized from social group).
  • Validate, validate, validate:  When your teenager expresses anxiety or worry, offer reassurance by saying you believe him or her, and that having those feelings is okay. You do not have to come up with the solutions to fix it.  Show acceptance of his/her worry thoughts and anxious feelings. If you stay calm, it will help your teenager to stay calm, too! 
  • Set the exampleBe mindful of the comments you make about your own stress (e.g. “if one more thing happens, I am going to lose my mind”.   Talk to your teenagers about the healthy ways that you manage stress and encourage them to join you (e.g. taking a walk, yoga, deep breathing). 
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Loving your Teen

Teenagers with anxiety benefit from learning strategies to identify, cope and/or conquer their anxiety.  Studies has shown that Cognitive Behaviour, Therapy, Mindfulness, Exercise and a healthy diet can contribute significantly to addressing anxiety (3).  There are also articles, books, websites and apps available on a wide variety of topics related to anxiety. 

A great website for teenagers and parents is:www.anxietycanada.com.  Amongst its many resources, is a section specifically geared towards teenagers that uses a variety of methods (e.g. videos, quizzes and games) to get them engaged in learning. 

Cellphones & Apps

Over the past few years, with the increased use of cell phones, several apps have been designed to help people with anxiety. Three are listed here, in no particular order:

  • Mindshift CBT – free App for iOS and Android platforms.  Scientifically proven anxiety solutions based on cognitive behaviour therapy.
  • Headspace – bite-sized, guided meditations designed to fit busy lives. After 10 free guided meditation sessions, sign up for a yearly $7.99 membership
  • SAM – Self-help for Anxiety Management.  Consider SAM your all-in-one diary and practical workbook for managing anxiety. Use SAM to track worrying thoughts and combat them through both physical and mental exercises. An in-app forum also offers a safe space to talk with other SAM users about coping with anxiety.
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Some Helpful Books..

  • Worry Taming for Teens. By E. Jane Garland and Sandra L. Clark (2002). Ideal for children 12-17 years.
  • Helping Your Anxious Teen by Sheila Achar Josephs (Phd) is an excellent resource for parents searching for thoughtful and effective strategies to effectively parent their anxious teen. The book is filled with useful advice and proven-effective techniques parents can use to guide their anxious teen through a critical time in their development.

Asset Mapping of Indigenous Community Resources

Durham Region was originally the home of several First Nations including, but not limited to, Iroquois and Ojibway.  Today Durham is home to The Mississauga Nation and a large Métis community. In the 2016 census, it was identified that in Durham region, just over 20,000 people identified themselves as having North American Indigenous origins.  Due to the colonization and assimilation of Indigenous groups through Canadian policies and programs (e.g. Residential Schools), the Aboriginal people were displaced, and their land was stolen.  Since the late 1960’s, government policy has shifted slowly to a goal of self-determination and self-governance for Aboriginal peoples.  However, the Federal government continues to hold responsibility to meet the needs of Indigenous people in Canada.  Indigenous protests such as “Idle No More” have identified the numerous challenges that Indigenous peoples still face especially in areas of safe housing, good education and culturally appropriate medical and mental health services. Many Indigenous bands have created opportunities to generate their own sources of revenue and to use this money to support their community.  For example, the Mississaugas of Scugog Island opened their community economic development project in 1997, the Great Blue Heron Casino. With the casino came the Baagwating Community Association, which is run by members of the Mississaugas of Scugog Island First Nation and is the charitable-arm of the Great Blue Heron.  Medical care, housing and family support are some of the services offered through the Health & Resource Centre. This report was created to identify programs in Durham region that serve the Indigenous community.  Due to the small number of programs available and the proximity of parts of Durham Region to Toronto and Peterborough, these areas are also included.

References:

Community Resources

We have complied a list of community resources located in the Greater Toronto Region and Durham Region. For any edits, please email us at: info@asetgroup.ca.

Beyond Cultural Competence

Cultural Competency and related terminology is used to describe service providers who are conscious of, aware of, and actively seeking to understand the cultural diversity with the individuals they service. However, in our practice at Aset Group, we go beyond awareness of cultures… we understand the trauma-related symptoms associated with racism embedded within services and especially within the mental health field. I recently asked our counsellors, both permanent and interns to describe their understanding of how counsellors need to be aware of culture within the counselling practice. Each counsellor responded with their own story and perspective the practice. I hope this experience will be meaningful as a service user of counselling and psychotherapy, and empower you to ensure that your counsellor uses the best approach in supporting you with your needs and healing journey. With peace, love & wellness… Nicole

As a counsellor, I identify as a heterosexual Italian-Canadian female. I am so grateful for the opportunities I have had throughout my education and I am grateful that I have found a career that I am passionate about.   As a clinician, I try my best to approach all people from a place of genuine curiosity.  I try to treat everyone I interact with in the same way I would wish to be treated if sitting in their shoes.  I encourage clients to share their story and their experiences and make all efforts to ensure I respond in a non-judgmental, respectful, and compassionate way. 

I want clients to feel safe at all times, and even in moments where they are most vulnerable I want to build a relationship of mutual trust and respect that they can feel comfortable to tell me when these vulnerabilities arise. 

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Using a systems perspective, I try to look at all aspects of the clients’ life to try to empathize with the various circumstances they are experiencing in their life.  After watching the “Beyond Cultural Competency – Cultural Safety and Implication for Clinical Practice” webinar, the key term that stood out for me is “cultural safety”.  As social workers, we learn a lot about “cultural competency” throughout our education but I, along with many of my colleagues, have questioned whether we can be truly culturally competent and whether using language such as “competence” implies a full understanding of, or expertise in, culture?  Cultural safety on the other hand does not imply that we need to be fully competent in this area but rather that we continuously strive to ensure that we provide an environment that is socially, spiritually, physically and therapeutically safe for our clients. 

This involves understanding our own cultural identity and how this can impact the work we do with others and how we can place value and importance on the cultures of those we work with. 

This opens up conversations about culture with our clients and allows for a space that is respectful, open, welcoming, compassionate, and most importantly safe for all clients.  This term will change my practice with others by shifting my focus to my clients as the expert of their own culture and identify and using my clients’ experiences of culture to shape my understanding of what culture means and its impact.  Culture is not something we can fully understand and it is not something we can be trained on out of a manual; culture is something we need to learn to experience, reflect on, and learn about through the experiences and descriptions of others, and to encounter and embrace.  Culture has so many different meanings and I do not believe we can ever fully be culturally competent, rather we can strive to create a place of cultural safety, and a place of genuine interest and openness.  It is important that we reflect on the terms shared in this webinar, both for ourselves and for our clients.  Culture is ever-changing; it is important that we constantly reflect on our own experiences of culture if we truly want to create a safe space for our clients to do the same (Deanna)

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I am a cis-gendered heterosexual European-Canadian female living in Canada. I approach people as a clinician with a culturally sensitive and trauma- informed perspective. I believe in the theoretical application based on an intersectional understanding of an individuals’ race, gender, culture, sexuality, age and class. I am mindful of my client’s experience in therapy and help guide them to be the ideal person they want to be using CBT and CBT-based therapeutic approaches. I feel like using CBT as the base of my therapeutic practice is an opportunity to be objective and considerate of how the client communicates and perceives the social world around them. Some keywords that had me consider my own counselling practice including culturally safe, cultural fluidity and the future considerations based on Donna Alexander’s webinar presentation.

As a clinician keeping in mind the concept of cultural safety provides the reminder to ask clients questions about their culture such as their family background, parent’s upbringing, family traditions. This can help empower clients to guide the direction of therapy and share information about their experience. This approach helps therapists possibly be accessed to a more multicultural population and help provide more service throughout the community. Ms. Alexander emphasizes that culture is fluid which is helpful as a practitioner to consider and reminds you to keep learning, growing and exploring what other cultures have to offer for oneself and clients. Other cultures have a lot of offer in one’s life in general helps and can help provide a more informed and culturally sensitive therapeutic practice based on understanding and trust. In addition to the key words based from the presentation I want to note a statement from the webinar which includes, …

She was just writing things down”. This statement resonates with me as I feel like this could be seen as an innocent act of writing information details down in sake for therapy. However unintentionally, it can also create and unsafe environment and distrust initially in the relationship with the client.

As I clinician I hope I keep this mind in general when I am working with my client population and keep my pen down and fully engage with my client and actively listen. Donna Alexander’s webinar was an informative presentation providing the consideration to always move forward in your therapeutic approaches. Providing culturally safe therapy is based on practice and always being mindful that every individual has an interpretation of what the word ‘culture’ means to them. I enjoy providing space for at least one session to have the client reflect of their thoughts and feelings which can be a helpful way in getting to know your client. As stated As I continue to grow as a therapist I am reminded that you keep growing and growth is a continuous process that I continue to strive for in the future. Reading, learning, growing, attending is how I can become the culturally competent therapist I intend to be and always keeping this in mind no matter who the client is in front of me. Stephanie

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As a Black, male therapist whose parents are from the Caribbean. I approach people when doing therapy from a cultural understanding with a focus on family dynamics and attachment. The importance of cultural safety with clients resonated with me. Learning to understand the client’s culture and also knowing your own is important in building rapport with a client. It helps me as a therapist to better understand the client and to be aware of any cultural ideas or speech that could be inappropriate when speaking to my client.  A key term that I found of value was cultural privilege. It is important in my own practice as a therapist and also as a Christian to know that their may be some clients who do not relate to or have been harmed by those within Christian circles. Clients may come forward with issues that they feel would not be welcomed within a Christian community and they may not feel safe talking about certain experiences that they have had because of judgemental attitudes from they have experienced from Christians.

As a therapist it is beneficial to my own practice to have knowledge of other cultural ideas and beliefs and to ask questions of clients on their own experiences and culture that does not come off as judgemental.

If not, the client will not feel safe and would choose to not come back because of their fear of not being understood or loved. Even if the client chooses to stay, they may not speak on issues or experiences that need to be expressed and unpacked further and so there may not be progress during therapy. I believe it is important for the therapist to know their own cultural privilege when speaking to their clients, even if the therapist is a visible minority. The clinician should not believe that they are on equal footing because they come from a similar background or believe the client copes with issues in a similar way or to that of your own community. I believe by going into the communities that the clients that I normally work with frequent, it can help in understanding the clients I come across. The speaker had mentioned that many clinicians tend to like to stay in the office and not visit the outside world and see violence and those who live in poverty which I believe is needed when working with your clients. Reaching out to these communities and interacting and engaging with people who are in them will help with your own prejudice as you learn to see them as actual people and develop empathy towards them. It will also help to better understand the struggles that people are facing and gain a better understanding from others who work within those communities as to what helps people struggling with various issues. Andrew

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As a clinician, I approach people with a genuine interest to learn as much as I can about them.  I recognize that every person is unique and has been shaped by their experiences and interactions with the world.  I want to know what they have decided about themselves as a result of their positive and negative interactions with others.  I approach people fully aware that I will need to check my assumptions about who they are and why they think the way they do.  I am responsible to question and unpack my beliefs and values that contribute to any meanings or assessments I make of clients.  Two terms that really resonated with me are cultural conditioning and cultural safety. 

Cultural conditioning is the way we think, speak, act, our religious beliefs, and what we consider right or wrong.  Being mindful to cultural conditioning will impact my practice as I will pay attention to, not only what clients bring but, what I am bringing to sessions in terms of embedded values and opinions.  I can use the concept of cultural conditioning to assist clients to explore how they came to know things about themselves and others. 

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Helping clients to see that they had no choice in feeling or thinking the way they did as a result of cultural conditioning can potentially be freeing to clients who feel oppressed and/or conflicted.  Cultural safety speaks to an environment that is spiritually, socially, physically, and therapeutically safe for clients where there is no denial of their identities of who they are, and what they need.  Cultural safety is about shared respect, shared knowledge, and collaboration.  This will change my practice in the following ways:  if I have an office space, I will decorate it in a manner that is culturally diverse (e.g. art work from other countries) and therapeutically sensitive (e.g. low lights); I will include culturally identity as a part of the intake assessment so that, right from the beginning, understanding who the client is in all aspects is valued; and, I will seek clarification from clients about whether their culture is a source of support or stress and encourage the co-construction of the therapeutic alliance based on a mutual learning about culture. People need to know that cultural competency is an ongoing journey. Helen 

Given that everyone has their own unique experience of culture, the journey to learn never ends.  People need to know that culture is fluid, therefore, our endeavour to know must also continue to evolve.

Helen
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Community Mental Health Services

At times, we may need to reach out to community mental health services if our Employee Assistance Program and Insurance Benefits are no longer able to cover the expenses of psychotherapy and counselling. We may also need to seek a thorough treatment intervention that may surpass the expertise of the psychotherapist. Kindly see the following list of community mental health services within Durham Region, as well as Wait list and referral contact information.

For more assistance, contact us at: info@asetgroup.ca

An overview of Durham Agencies:

Kinark Child & Family Services:https://www.kinark.on.ca/Whitby

Ontario Autism Program (OAP) Single-Point-of-Access (SPOA)- 1-888-454-6275

Durham Rape Crisis Centre:https://drcc.ca/

Catholic Family Services of Durham:http://www.cfsdurham.com/english

Durham Mental Health Services: http://www.dmhs.ca

Carea Health: http://careachc.ca/

For our complete list of community resources, you can download here:

Brain Development & Stress

As our brain develops..

our brain development begins shortly after conception and continues into our 20s. Babies are born with most of the neurons they will have throughout their lives, what forms in the early years is the connections between the neurons.

Most connections are formed within the first 3 years of life.  For each connection there is a critical or sensitive period, this is a time when the connection is most malleable. These critical or sensitive periods are a time frame in which most learning in a particular area occurs.

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Most critical periods are in the first 5 years of life. Our brains are built from the bottom up, meaning, complex brain circuits (executive functions) are built on top of more simple brain circuits. For example, the critical or sensitive period for neuron connections related to vision, hearing and touch tend to develop in the first few years of life. In contrast, the critical or sensitive period for neuron connections related to more complex areas of development such as communication, reasoning, and decision-making will occur later in development. Therefore, it is critical that children receive attention, instruction, and nurturing for age-appropriate areas of development that are occurring at east specific critical or sensitive period. If certain connections are not strengthened and are lost, this can impact future development of more complex connections. 1

Once connections are formed in the brain, our childhood experiences either strengthen these connections building strong foundation for future development, or they weaken these connections through a process called “pruning”. The more a child uses a connection (carry out a specific task or behaviour) the stronger the connection becomes. If a child does not have opportunities to use and strengthen connections, they can be lost, this is called “pruning”. Strong connections build a sturdy foundation which promote a healthy developing brain. Exposure to trauma, negative relationships, and neglect can lead to weaker brain foundations and higher rates of pruning. These weak brain foundations can lead to health and mental health challenges later in life. 1 The video by the Alberta Health & Wellness Initiative demonstrates the importance of early childhood experiences on healthy brain development. 1

Serve & Return 

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Serve and return interactions between children and caregivers/adults help shape brain development. Research has shown that children learn best when an attentive adult is engaged with them throughout the learning process.  This video by the Alberta Health & Wellness Initiative (June 2014) illustrates how the “Serve & Return” process can positive impact healthy brain development. 1  

How Early Life Stress Shapes our Brain

There are three main types of stress: 2

During stressful situations our brain produces a hormone called “cortisol”. When the stressful situation has subsided and the perceived threat is gone, cortisol signals the brain to stop producing more cortisol. While cortisol has many positive functions within the body, high levels of cortisol can cause long-lasting damage to the brain.

“Allostasis” is a term used to describe the body’s ability to adapt to cortisol making it harder for the brain to shut down its response to stress over time. This can lead to “high allostatic load” which is the deterioration of the brain due to exposure to high levels of stress over time.1  Research has shown that positive caregiver attachment can act as a buffer to chronic stress response. For example, one study by Nachmias et al (1996) showed that children (age 18 months) exposed to a frightening stimulus who had a secure caregiver attachment showed lower levels of cortisol than same age children exposed to the same stimuli with insecure caregiver attachment. 3This video on “Toxic Stress” by the Alberta Family Wellness Initiative (June 2014) further describes the impact toxic stress in childhood can have on brain development. 1 For more information, see the resources below.

References

  • Center on the Developing Child Harvard University. (2019) Toxic Stress. Retrieved from:
  • Nachmias, M., Gunnar, M., Mangelsdorf, S., Parritz, R.H., & Buss, K. (1996). Behavioural Inhibition and Stress Reactivity: The Moderating Role of Attachment Security. Child Development 67(2), p. 508522.

Autism in Girls

As a child play therapist…working with

 

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children is the BEST part of my job.  Children are always eager to change, to grow and learn… they are insightful, witty, creative, funny, imaginative and curious about themselves and their world.  Over the past twenty years I have worked with many amazing girls, who appear show symptoms in relation to Autism.

Autism is a diagnosis listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Volume 5.  According to the DSM, Autism CRITERIA is important in understanding specific behaviors and experiences for children.  While the criteria is not gender-specific, some of the behaviors and symptoms for autism is.  This is why many girls are not readily diagnosed with autism by their physician.  Girls present autism symptoms and behaviors differently than boys.  As a play therapist, one of my key initial assessment questions are around understanding whether the child may have behaviors or symptoms which appear “atypical” for children their age.

The following articles may be a helpful start:

What Are the Signs of Autism in Girls – Is Asperger’s in Girls Overlooked?

Signs of Autism in Girls

The first step is speaking to your family doctor for a referral to a developmental pediatrician specializing in Autism, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Anxiety and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  In your first appointment, ensure to present a diary of some of the behaviors seen in your child, the difficulties they experience, and daily log of meals, symptoms and experiences.

Talk to your child’s school.  If needed, speak to the teacher about a Individual Educational Plan to support their progress in school.  If your child experiences sensory difficulties, ask the school for an occupational therapy assessment.  An Occupational Therapy Assessment assesses your child’s sensory needs and can provide meaningful recommendations on interventions to improve their environment and achieve success.

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Behavior Therapy is the new wave in teaching your child healthy ways of managing their symptoms, developing social skills, and communicating.  What is ABA?

According to Research Autism Net,

Play therapy refers to a large number of treatment methods, all applying the therapeutic benefits of play. Play therapy differs from regular play in that the therapist helps children to address and resolve their own problems. Play therapy builds on the natural way that children learn about themselves and their relationships in the world around them. Through play therapy, children learn to communicate with others, express feelings, modify behavior, develop problem-solving skills, and learn a variety of ways of relating to others. Play provides a safe psychological distance from their problems and allows expression of thoughts and feelings appropriate to their development More.

Play therapy is an excellent treatment for Autism, as well as is part of an holistic approach in supporting a child with autism, their parents and their family.

I have worked with many girls who have symptoms related to autism and/or are diagnosed with autism.

First step…

a proper diagnosis and support through behavior therapists, assessments, and more are critical to addressing the symptoms and providing a healthy, safe, and accessible environment for your child.

Play therapy…

Teaches your child how to use language to express their emotions, to identify how their body is feeling so they can seek appropriate support, and to understand their thoughts and how it influences their feelings and behavior.  This Cognitive Behavior Therapy approach is helpful to support your child use their words instead of acting out through tantrums or behaviors.

Many children who have special needs may experience difficulties with their peers.  Play therapy can help build their self-esteem and identity so they can feel happy and content with themselves.

Girls who have autistic traits and symptoms may struggle with anxiety and perfectionism.  Play therapy can help with teaching children how to manage their anxiety in healthy ways.  As well, as helping children to manage transitions, to reduce their need for perfectionism, to identify their triggers, and to help your child experience greater success with their emotions.

Discussions in Divorce: Making the Decision to Change your family structure

Many parents struggle with deciding the best course of action to end their relationship, while maintaining a relationship with their children.  This can be a difficult time because divorce is not easy…. duh, and break-ups are usually not designed to go well.  As a parent, your main responsibility is your children, and you have a duty to ensure their lives are well supported during this time.

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You have a decision to make….

If the relationship with your partner is unhealthy…

Your children see abuse from yourself or your partner.

If your children witness physical or verbal fighting.

It may be appropriate to see HELP and assess the pros and cons of remaining in the relationship.

Check out this article written on the Divorce Mag Blog:

Should You Wait until Your Children Are Older to Divorce?

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/should-you-wait-until-your-children-are-older-to-divorce/

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Photo by Vera Arsic on Pexels.com

Sometimes couples feel SHAME for engaging in physical or verbal fights in front of the children.  They avoid or ignore the issue.  They claim that their children were not present.  They assert that it never impacted their children.  They claim that their children will forget that the argument or fight occurred… And so much more.  The denial is usually about shame.  Parents know that exposing their children to fighting and arguments is damaging for their emotional health.  They know and may feel that by doing so, they would feel like they are a bad parent.  Moving forward… and making steps to improve your relationship with your partner is the first step in healing for yourself, your relationship and your children.  Addressing the fight with your child, apologizing for your behavior and making a commitment to create a safer place for your child is an important step in resolving this experience for your child.

Seven Stages of Grief During and After Divorce

This article provides a brief analysis of the experiences of individuals who are undergoing divorce.  While the stages are typically not sequential, they exist as a process.  Children experience similar processes as they grieve the “family” setting they once knew and enjoyed.  It is important to remain aware of the emotional toll each stage will have upon your life and ensure you receive the support you require to heal.

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Children need…

  • Parents who are healthy, emotionally well, and take care of their needs.
  • Parents who are honest and take responsibility for their actions, especially when they make mistakes or fail.
  • Parents who are okay with saying, “I am sorry”… and “I will do better” and making the choice to change.
  • Parents who are able to find a way to mediate and work with each other, despite their insurmountable differences.
  • Parents who restrain from violence in relationships to achieve their goals or to gain control.  Violence occurs in language, behavior, inflicting physical pain, manipulation, power, control and more…
  • Parents who sacrifice their own needs to ensure their children are safe, live stable lives, and feel secure
  • Parents who ensure they receive support to manage the “the child’s” experience of divorce and separation.

Parents, write your own list!

black ball point pen on white notebookWhat kind of parent do you aspire to become? What kind of family do you wish to create for yourself and your children? What changes in yourself do you need to make to achieve this goal? What is your plan to accomplish this? What are the barriers which prevent you from achieving the changes you which to see in yourself?


 

Supporting your children through divorce

At any age, divorce can be extremely difficult for children to cope with and manage. 

Parents play an integral role in helping children heal from their experience of grief of the changes in their family, loss of the other primary parent in their lives, conflict between two people they love immensely, and healing from the experiences pre- and post separation.

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Invest in seeking resources which may help you to access tools and strategies to supporting moving forward.  Separation and divorce does not have to be difficult, and by working together, reducing egos, and healing parents can support their children while healing from their own changed relationship.

Helpful Resources:

Helping Children Through Separation and Divorce by Liana Lowenstein, MSW is an excellent resource providing tips to guide parents on how to manage talking to their children about divorce and separation.

Living with Mom and Living with Dad by Melanie Walsh is one of the many books which help your child understand changes in their family, and address their feelings of loss.  For example, children in separated families begin to learn how to cope with having two families, two different bedrooms, two different rules and expectations, new people to get used to, and so much more.  Many parents trivialize how difficult these changes can be for their children because children work so hard to “keep it together”.  Storytelling can be a powerful way to encourage children to talk about their feelings.

In the process prior to separation, children may have been exposed to parents arguing with each other, raised voices, swearing and disparaging comments about each other, emotional distress by both or either parents, physical violence (hitting, punching, spitting, coercing, and more) between parents or other family members, intensified drug or alcohol use, and/or police involvement. These events can be traumatizing for children.  Trauma disrupts a child’s emotional and cognitive development.  Some of the behaviors you may see from your child are listed in: Helping your Child Heal.

Help your child heal and move forward by encouraging them to identify and talk about their feelings.  This AMAZING resource is a workbook you can use with your child or with your child’s psychotherapist. My Feelings Work Book 


Additional Strategies:

Supporting your family heal is an approach that requires both parents to agree upon helping their child.  Some important steps include:

  1. Get Help! Seek the support of a parenting coach or a mediator prior to separation and throughout the process to help with the transition and keeping parents on the same page.  Co-parenting courses can help teach parents skills on how to work together and resolve past issues which continue to “get in the way” of moving forward.
  2. Counselling works! Ensure your children and yourselves have clinical support during the separation and divorce process.  Use your Employee Assistance Program as the first step for a short-term 3-6 session “check-in” with your child to ensure they are supported.  Obtain tips and strategies from your EAP counsellor on how to best support your child through the transition.  As your child develops and changes occur in your family constellation, engage in additional support.
  3. Storytelling! Try to encourage your child to talk and know what to expect with a range of books and stories designed to help your child.
  4. Communicate! In the past, poor communication may have helped to break down the relationship between parents.  Try Talking Parent and Family Wizard to start communicating in healthy ways with each other.  These sites are also available for scheduling between parents, resolving conflicts in a healthy way, and maintaining safety.

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Self Compassion

If you don’t care for yourself, how do you expect to care for others

-Life Lesson

Learning to show compassion to yourself,

adult dark depressed face

One of the lessons I learned in life is that we are raised to become critical and judgmental of ourselves and others.  From the time we are very young we are inundated with messaging, values, morals, expectations and rules on how we need to act, behave, feel, and learn within our lives.  Don’t believe me?

When babies are little, we try to train them on a routine of sleeping and eating on intervals.

At two years old, we scold them for touching other children to hard, saying no, and wanting to do things their own way.

At four years old, we teach them to “sit here”, “line up here”, “don’t say that”, “don’t run away”, and set times to eat, take naps, and learn.

At six years old, we teach our children about following more rules, learning to play socially and on our teams, encouraging them to read, learn math, and explore all on our terms.  Do you see where I am heading?

But it is part of the culture.  So, I am not bashing the way we raise our children.  I am just painting a picture.

Self-Compassion…

is a skill that we often forget to teach children.  Instead, they are often encouraged to feel shame when they are not adapting or following expectations are laid out for them.  Many parents I speak to want their children to show empathy, remorse for their actions, and guilt for harming others.  They use negative discipline tactics such as timeouts, spanking, scolding, and restrictions as a way to encourage them to learn how to improve their behavior and understand the consequences.  However, these interventions can be effective in the moment but it does not always help children learn how to manage shame.

adult alone anxious black and white

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In my words, SHAME occurs when children, youth and adults internalize their behavior, their actions, and their feelings and begin to believe that their behavior is a result of their internal personality and self-worth.  Shame is a powerful protector of one’s identity, but it is also their downfall.  Shame makes it difficult for us to heal, to identify our need for change, to seek help and guidance, and to improve our experiences.  Shame prevents us from feeling compassion for ourselves, and in turn we begin to internalize shame and restrict ourselves from love, support, guidance, growth and so much more.

You are not bad, you are a perfect creation from the creator.

-Life Lesson

I stay grounded and free from shame by spending time in the universe.  I sit I watch.  I look at the sky, and see how perfect it is and wonder how did it start, why did it start, and does it ever end?  How do the clouds know when to form?  How does the earth know how fast to spin?  How does the water know where the shoreline begins?  How does the rainbow know when to shine?  Science yes, but miraculous.  The way that animals, insects, fish and all living things know how to procreate, how to gather resources to live, how to detect danger, how to sustain life.  How does this all happen?  The beauty is that it happens.  So why am I not beautiful? If a tiny spec has value to our planet, why don’t I have value?  And within my value, what brings me joy?  What brings you joy?

Exercise-

Record the reasons why the world, our universe contains beauty?  What are some of the wonders that you can not understand with reason, just faith?

Record the reasons why the people in your life and those you see are beautiful?  What makes people unique? What makes them beautiful? What can bring people pain? What can bring them away from their purpose in life?

Record the reasons why you are beautiful?  I am not just speaking about physical beauty, but also internal, spiritual, mental and emotional?  What do other people see in you that is beautiful? What brings you joy? What has caused you pain? If you struggle to see your beauty, why do you think this exists?  This is SHAME.  Describe your experience of shame.


Another intervention I share with others is listening to Brene Brown’s work on Shame.  Her video: Listening to Shame is one of my favorite video highlights on understanding shame.

Putting yourself first…

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”- Marianne Williamson

-Life Lesson

Take in this quote.  Are you living your best life through allowing yourself to shine?

Start with DOING and CARING for your inner and outer self.  Take time to breathe.  Notice your body and how it feels.  Fill your mind with loving words and compassionate gestures.  LEARN more about yourself, your emotions, your behaviors and thoughts.  Understand what thoughts and beliefs you hold impact how you feel about yourself.  Understand the root of some of your emotions, such as anger, frustration,

person hugging brown ukelele

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embarrassment and joy AND understand how you behave and how you think. FIND joy in engaging in activities that demonstrate your strengths, build your resiliency and connect you with your identity.

PRACTICE showing compassion towards others, by LISTENING to others and truly seeking to relieve their distress, MANAGE your own defensiveness and need to protect yourself by focusing on supporting another person on their journey, and FORGIVE others for their failures, mistakes, and emotions which often become out of control.  After all, we are all born to manifest greatness, but SHAME can convince us that we are not.

I love the way Thich Nnat Hanh speaks and how he describes showing compassion to others.  By compassionate listening, you relieve someone’s distress in a way that helps to reduce their feelings of shame and your projection of your internal shame onto others.  Please see the entire clip from Oprah’s Soul Sunday:

 Thich Nnat Hanh and Oprah Winfrey on Soul Sunday

Brene Brown encourages the use of empathy and vulnerability as critical parts of the journey around addressing our experiences of shame.  Empathy is a skill that focuses on connection.  Empathy is more than just understanding a person’s experiences and showing sympathy.  It is connecting without judgement.  It is sitting with a person in their pain and not trying to fix it, repair it, change it, protect them, etc., but allowing them to pass through this portion of their journey knowing they are not alone.  This was a special highlight to my own personal journey, when my life was at its most difficult.  I remember reading the Footsteps poem and imagining I was being carried through my difficult journey, because in that moment, I needed to be carried through it.

Empathy extends to yourself, as much as it does for other people.  Brene Brown on Empathy

Further Resources:

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Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

The Elements of Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

Developing Self-Compassion and Learning to be Nicer to Ourselves

12 Little Ways to Show Self-Compassion 

 

Footprints


One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”